Giving Thanks Day 8

Giving Thanks Day 8: Today I am very thankful for my sweet daughter-in-love Nikki Peterson Vawter. I've prayed for her since Randy Vawter was born. And the Lord has blessed us tremendously through her. She's fun, sweet, loving, gracious, kind. Her love for the Lord and for my son challenges me. :) Love you, Nikki! So glad you're part of our family.

Verse of the Day/Giving Thanks Day 7

“Therefore, don’t be afraid of those people because nothing is hidden that won’t be revealed, and nothing secret that won’t be brought out into the open." (Matthew 10:26 CEB)

Giving Thanks Day 7: Very thankful that God is still sovereign and in control. Nothing surprises Him, though many things deeply grieve Him. No matter what happens here on earth, I can know that a loving God has a purpose and plan that He is working in the lives of mankind. 

Giving Thanks Days 5 & 6

Missed posting here yesterday, so I'll do two days of giving thanks.

Day 5: Very thankful for the Lord's provision—always at just the right time. "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

Day 6: Today I'm very thankful for my handsome son Randy Vawter. From the very first time I looked into his eyes, I knew we were in for an adventure of a lifetime! Truly a miracle baby, he was God's gift restoring what was lost. He's grown into a man with a passion for God, for His Word, and he has a pastor's heart for people that shows in his ministry as a Christian camp director. And he's a writer! Which means he "gets" his mom better than most. Love you, bud! God has wonderful things in store for your future, too. 

Giving Thanks Day 3

Giving thanks day #3: So very thankful for my beautiful daughter, Kathy Vawter. She's our multitalented gift from God, proving that He works in His own time and in His own way. She loves to tackle the difficult jobs, is courageously independent, and loves to blaze a trail in "uncharted waters"—at least in this family. :) Love you much, sweetie! Can't wait to see what God has in store for your future.

Giving Thanks—Day 2

Day 2: I'm very thankful for the husband God gave me over 34 years ago! Through all the good times and bad, he has taken the leadership of keeping Christ in the center of our marriage . . . and today I can honestly say I love and respect the man I married more than the day I married my best friend! Love you, Roger Vawter!

Giving Thanks

November. Again? Seems like we just celebrated Thanksgiving.

            Last year at this time, I was on automatic pilot. Roger had interviewed for a job—in Missouri. If he took it, it meant trading my beloved mountains for the Ozark “hills.” But after nearly a year of unemployment, this was the only job offer he had. After nearly a month of praying about it, we made the decision to move. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we packed, put the house on the market for a short sale, and celebrated the holidays with our kids.

            I thanked the Lord for His faithfulness, His provision, His never-ending love and guidance through all the chaos of the next few weeks and months. In fact, through that entire year of Roger’s unemployment I realized that a thankful spirit sustained me in the darkest times. But it wasn’t always that way.

            My mind went back to the time when the Lord first began teaching me about having a thankful spirit. Since my father had been manic-depressive during my childhood and teen years, I remembered much about his struggle, but only saw him defeated by it. I had determined as a teen that if I ever found myself in a severe depression, I would handle it differently. Dealing with my father’s suicide later only strengthened my resolve.

A few years passed, then I was diagnosed with a severe clinical depression. When I shared with my Christian doctor my desire to fight against depression more successfully than my father had, he directed me to specific portions of Scripture to find my answers.

            At the same time I was studying Philippians for a Bible class I led. I was impressed with Paul when he told the Philippians that he had learned to be content no matter what his circumstances were (4:11–12). He faced a difficult life with joy, confident that Christ was sufficient for every need. Through my study, I discovered Paul’s secret.

            A thankful heart.

            Earlier, Paul had exhorted his readers “not to be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (4:6, emphasis mine).

            Give thanks.

            As I continued to study about having a thankful spirit, I wondered why Paul emphasized thanksgiving, not just at set times, but always. I realized Paul was not giving an option, but a command, when he said, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). For the grammar buffs out there (and I’m one of them), this verb is in the present imperative tense, active voice. This means that we are commanded to give thanks, not just once but continuously and repeatedly.

            We give thanks because this is God’s will for each of us, no matter what our circumstances may be. To the Colossians Paul wrote: “Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (3:17). Paul encouraged the Ephesians to live “always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (5:20).

            Thanksgiving is an act of faith. Faith is choosing to obey God even when it’s difficult or doesn’t make sense. It’s learning to trust a heavenly Father who deserves our total and complete confidence in His ability to answer prayer, to give us His best, to keep His promises. With a thankful heart we accept that God is able to do what He wills.

            David was another man in Scripture who learned to have a thankful spirit. Through all his difficult times in battle, hiding from Saul, and heartbreaking circumstances in his family life, David continuously gave thanks to God. He saw God’s hand in everything and was able to say, “I will give thanks to You among the nations, O Lord, and I will sing praises to Your name” (Psalm 18:49).

            Thanksgiving helps us focus on God rather than on our circumstances or ourselves. We know that God can change the circumstances if He chooses, but more often a thankful heart changes our attitude toward our circumstances. It enables us to look at those circumstances from God’s point-of-view instead of our own, and it releases us from the anxiety that we so often experience because of our distorted view.

            A grateful heart allows God to be sovereign. By giving thanks I give Him the freedom to do as He pleases, in His time, in His way. Recognizing who God is gives me the ability to thank Him no matter what. David exhorts us to “sing praises to the Lord, you His godly ones, and give thanks to His holy name” (Psalm 30:4 nasb).

            Another reason to give thanks is that it gives us strength to face both the difficulties and the dull routines of life. Corrie ten Boom once said, “Anxiety never releases tomorrow of its problems. It only empties today of its strengths.” When we accept that God knows the end, the outcome, of every problem, we can thank Him for it, and we receive strength to see that situation through to the end. Even when we are looking at defeat, we know that Christ has won the victory, and we don’t have to live in defeat.

            Thankfulness is not a way to manipulate God into giving us what we want. Instead, a thankful spirit rests in God’s promises, knowing He cannot fail. Since God has promised to provide my every need (Philippians 4:19), then I can thank Him for that provision even before it happens. Doing so releases me from the anxiety and pressure to meet my own needs. While it is tempting for me to bargain with God over my circumstances, I choose to thank Him for the opportunity to see Him provide. By doing so, I didn’t experience as many anxious moments as I could have.

            Being thankful does not change or speed up God’s timing, but it does enable me to wait patiently and readjust my time to His. Waiting isn’t anxiously expecting God to do something now. It means that I expect God to work, while I go about living with a quiet spirit (Psalm 46:10). When I release control, then God is able to work.

            Thanksgiving doesn’t eliminate or delay the inevitable. God knows the end from the beginning; our anxiety doesn’t change that. Neither does thanksgiving. But being thankful does enable us to face the most difficult circumstances with graciousness and peace. Paul tells us that the result of prayer with thanksgiving is peace (Philippians 4:7).

            Paul used the word peace to denote a state of untroubled, undisturbed well being. It is the tranquil state of a person who has been relieved of all the distresses of life. Nothing can explain it. It is beyond human comprehension. But we all have experienced it. And it is ours to experience all the time, when we simply obey the command to be thankful in everything.

            Finally, when we are thankful, what used to disturb us can no longer do so. The end of Philippians 4:7 states that this peace will guard our hearts and minds by putting up a protective barrier that will not allow the disturbing influences to penetrate. It only slips when we cease to be thankful.

This month I want to focus each day on something I am thankful for. Each day I will post a short devotional thought. I hope you will join me in saying with the psalmist, “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good” (118:1).[i]

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[i] Adapted from “Freed by Thankfulness,” Marjorie Vawter, Discipleship Journal (Nov/Dec 2004), Colorado Springs, Colorado: NavPress. The author retains the reprint rights. (http://www.navpress.com/magazines/archives/article.aspx?id=10201)

A Grateful Heart

Thanksgiving is this week. Not that I had to tell anyone of that. *smile* Much has happened since last year when I posted about the Lord's promise to bring me out of the desert that was my life. I still have moments, but this year is evidence that God is faithful to keep His promises.

This morning in my quiet time I read the words (and yes, sang them—in my head because my cat doesn't appreciate my singing and she sits on my lap during my quiet time) to "Now Thank We All Our God."

Now thank we all our God
With heart and hands and voices,
Who wondrous things hath done,
In whom His world rejoices;
Who, from our mothers' arms
Hath blessed us on ouw way
With countless gifts of love,
And still is ours today.

O may this bounteous God
Through all our life be near us,
With ever joyful hearts
And bless peace to cheer us;
And keep us in His grace,
And guide us when perplexed,
And free us from all ills
In this world and the next.

All praise and thanks to God
The Father now be given,
The Son, and Him who reigns
With them in highest heaven,
The one eternal God,
Whom earth and heaven adore;
For thus it was, is now,
And shall be evermore. Amen.

Martin Rinkart (1586–1649)


The history behind the words gave new insight to these words: "Like so many other great hymns, it was forged in the crucible of the Thirty Years' War. Martin Rinkart was the only pastor in the walled city of Eilenberg [Germany]. Many refugees fled there, hoping the walls would protect them, only to see the city overrun by Swedes, Austrians, and Swedes again. In the crowded condition, hunger and plague were chronic problems. In 1637 Rinkart conducted funerals for five thousand residents—including his wife. So when he prays, "Guide us when perplexed," he is not talking about minor inconveniences."

This year for me has been a year of rejoicing in God's abundant blessings, but they haven't come without trials. The Lord gave me the word guidance for this year (maybe into next year) and He's given me all sorts of opportunities to learn to trust Him and His leadership. His ways are strange to me, and I've fought His leading way too many times to say I'm passing these tests with flying colors—I'm not. But through it all I'm learning that His way is perfect.

If I allow myself to dwell on the downside to this year's Thanksgiving holiday, I'd be missing the point of a having a grateful heart. I would have liked to make the trip to Illinois to be with Roger's brothers and sister. I wish my mother could be here; this is the first Thanksgiving where we've stayed in Colorado that Mom won't be here (I avoided this milestone last year by going to Illinois, where Roger's mom was missing in the family circle). This also is the first Thanksgiving since she was born that we won't be spending with Kathy, either here or in Illinois.

But I'm thankful for God's provision and comfort. Both our moms are in heaven with the Lord. Kathy is where I believe God has placed her at this time. As Roger, Randy, and I are. I'm extremely grateful for my family, including all the extended family on both sides. I'm thankful for the salvation God provided for me through Jesus Christ. And I'm thankful for the opportunities He gives me each day to praise Him and thank Him. Those are the things I can hang onto for eternity.

God is good.

Desperate Prayers and a Thankful Heart—4

After the conference I shared with a few of my prayer partners at church and in my critique groups so they would know how to continue to pray for me. And the testing from the Lord began in earnest. It’s hard to describe the last two months. But instead of writing in the mornings like I used to, I now spend more time with the Lord. At a friend’s urging, I’ve started a study in the Song of Solomon. I’m not even through the introduction, and I’m already blown away by the incredible love God has for me as described in the Song. (The study is Song of Songs: The Ravished Heart of God by Mike Bickle of the International House of Prayer. I got it from Friends of the Bridegroom, www.fotb.com .) By journaling everything as I study, I slow down enough to be able to grasp more of what the Lord is revealing to me through this study.

I now see God’s love in everything He has asked me to give up to Him, even though the circumstance may be hard. The events of the last two months have been like a whirlwind—fast, destruction, confusion, but always a sense of peace, knowing I’m loved and He’s purifying me, growing me in ways I never dreamed. And my prayers have been desperate. There’s no other way to describe it. I ache for people and their struggles in a way I’ve never done before. My prayer life has grown in ways I’d not expected.

After about six weeks of this kind of praying, I decided the Lord must be getting tired of hearing my desperate cries for my friends and family, and especially for myself. Until the Wednesday night Bible study at my church. The assistant pastor who usually leads this service started a series on the Beatitudes the week before. This Wednesday, he started with the first beatitude: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Kraig explained that the word Jesus used for poor describes one who is destitute, having no means monetarily or spiritually to help himself. Already I sensed the Lord was telling me to listen up. He had something very important I needed to learn. Jesus was talking about those who realize their complete dependence on God and begs for His grace in mercy in every area of life. I was there! I completely identified, because by this time, the Lord had allowed me to be tested (and continues to test) every single area the song “Whatever It Takes” touches on.

Kraig concluded his study of this first beatitude with the question, “What does poor in spirit look like?” The answer: The life of one who is poor in spirit is characterized by a life of desperate prayer.

Wow!! I literally felt the light bulb come on in my brain. God wants to hear my desperate prayers. I please Him, I bring joy and delight to Him, when I am totally dependent on Him, running constantly to the shelter He provides for direction, for wisdom . . . for everything! What a relief to know I was already on the right track!

And the next Sunday, as I was teaching my Sunday school class of ladies, I got the answer to how Abraham was able to obey so willingly, so completely, when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. We are slowly working our way through Beth Moore’s study, Jesus, The One and Only (because of time constraints, each day’s lesson is a week’s lesson for us), and we have just completed the seventh week in the book. In day five of that week we studied the story of the prodigal son. Beth mentions the principle that when we stray, we still have to bear the consequences of our sin even after we have repented. In answer to the question, “When will all these painful repercussions end?”, Beth responds, “Not until the very idea of straying causes you such painful flashbacks that you’re hardly ever tempted to depart His will again.”

It wasn’t until Abraham had suffered the consequences of his attempts to take God’s promises into his own hands in order to see them fulfilled was Abraham willing to obey willingly and completely, right as soon as God asked for his obedience. And God is now working that principle into me. The tests are numerous, most of the time more than one at once. The last two weeks were some of the most difficult weeks I’ve ever faced, with not only my own personal things, but also with struggles and issues with other people—pulling me into situations and circumstances I’d much rather avoid because of painful associations with the past. And this testing isn’t just affecting me any longer. It affects my family, my church family, my friends.

I can see growth. (And there's still room for a lot more, believe me! I haven't "arrived" yet, not until the Lord calls me home.) Obedience comes much quicker these days. I see God’s love in everything, especially the hard things. I’m much more sensitive to hearing His voice as He speaks to me through His Word. All my words come under intense scrutiny, and my heart is moved to confess at the slightest deviation from what I know to be right. The Lord has blessed me with two work-for-hire writing contracts as a result of my going back to the editor who tried to direct me to this in our meeting at the conference. This time with a heart that was willing to listen. Thank God for second chances!

So desperate prayers lead to a thankful heart. The Lord truly has taken my grief and turned my mourning into joy. While I still grieve both of our mothers departure from this earthly life, I am rejoicing that they are with the Lord today. And I am so blessed by the heritage each of our mothers left behind for us. We will miss them at our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations, yes. But no longer with a grief that has no joy.

I still have fibromyalgia and all the pain and other health issues that go along with it, and the last month has been intense as I've started using the guaifenesin protocol and hypoglycemic diet recommended at www.fibromyalgiatreatment.com. But God enables me to get through each day. We are being pulled into a ministry situation we thought was behind us. The Lord is stretching me far beyond my comfort zones in every area of my life. And do you know what? I’m excited. A little scared by the glimpses He’s given me of where He’s taking me. But I’m learning that He is all I need. God is truly good!

Desperate Prayers and a Thankful Heart—3

Labor Day itself was rather quiet. My husband and I spent the day at our cabin. Another place full of family history and memories. It is truly one of the Lord’s blessings for which we thank Him often. At 9000 ft. six or seven hiking miles east of the Continental Divide (and 3000–4000 ft. lower, depending on where you cross it), we literally own a tiny piece of God’s Country! Cell phones don’t work there; no electricity; no running water (except for the spring behind the cabin!)—a place where we often meet God. A great place to get away from the noise of our world. Something I don't take advantage of often enough.

We hiked to Lost Lake, something we’d not been able to do all summer because of my eye surgery in June. On the hike I pondered what the Lord was doing within me, and when we got to the lake, my favorite rock jutting into the lake was empty! A miracle really, on a holiday weekend that sees many, many people in this popular area. I was able to look across the lake to the west at the mountains that make up the Divide and praise God for His creation, His love, His awesome majesty. Just what I needed to encourage me that day.

The next two weeks were rather quiet as I prepared for the conference and continued to work. I sought the Lord often to show me the next steps, but all I had was a sense of confusion, which I knew wasn’t of God. Before I knew it the conference began, and in the very first session, I found myself crying all through the praise and worship time. I was so dry, so confused. I longed for the Lord to work in me. Other than journaling and the few blog posts I’d done over the summer, I’d done no writing in over nine months. Why I was even at the conference was a mystery to me! A woman I’d just met prayed over me right there while everyone was singing. Thank you, Sammi! I had peace that the Lord had me there for a reason.

But by Saturday morning, I was ready to tell my agent to drop me. Every editor appointment (I had two) seemed to put me deeper into the despair of ever writing a publishable word again. Okay, that was me, not the two wonderful ladies I had appointments with! In fact, I was so deep into that funk, I didn’t even hear the suggestion one of those editors had for me. That morning before I went down to breakfast, I was reading my Bible and felt the Lord’s nudging me to talk with Brandilyn Collins about praying with me that day.

Brandilyn emcees the ACFW conferences. She’s a great writer and a wonderful teacher. I’ve learned much from reading her blog, Forensics and Faith. After the Lord healed her several years ago from lyme disease, He has given her a fruitful ministry of intercessory prayer. I’d seen the results in many of my friends in previous conferences and in this one. I longed for the peace that radiated from their entire beings! I even know Brandilyn. She’d chosen me as one of the original writers for her Kanner Lake blog. But still I hesitated to ask her to pray for me. Pride, I guess. I didn’t want to admit I was struggling.

But the Lord wouldn’t leave me alone. And He reminded me of my promise to be obedient to Him, no matter what the cost. So . . . I swallowed my pride, interrupted my breakfast, and went across the huge ballroom where our meals were served in search of Brandilyn. She had an opening later that morning, after my appointments with an editor and my agent. The agent who refused to let me go, by the way. Instead she encouraged me, saying she believed the Lord still had much for me to write, and she wasn’t giving up on me just because I’d hit a dry spell. Another blessing from the Lord, for which I’m extremely thankful.

I met Brandilyn in the prayer room. After she prayed for a friend, she placed me before her and asked why I’d wanted prayer. Two friends who had prayed with Brandilyn the day before stayed to pray with us. I told Brandilyn of my confusion; spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental dryness; and of my grief over my mother-in-law and mother. She asked about our family, and I mentioned I wanted continued prayer for my daughter whom the Lord had asked me to let go. I explained she was moving to London in January, working as a tax accountant for the UK division of the accounting firm she works for here in Denver. Then she started to pray.

She first asked the Lord to reveal to her how to pray for me. A few minutes later she stood, placed her hands on my shoulders and neck, and asked me why the Lord had directed her to do so. The picture, and feeling, I had as soon as she touched me was that of a backpack fully loaded and strapped on. Brandilyn asked Kathy and Eileen to place their hands on my shoulders. Then she prayed for the Lord to break the bonds holding the burden in place, to release me, and to roll it off.

Almost immediately she took one hand off my shoulder and said she was to put her fist in my gut, deep down. When I gave permission, she did, saying that was where my grief had settled—way deep down in my spirit, in my body. The whole lower section of my torso burned and felt like a vise squeezing it. She then prayed the Lord would release me from grief over Mom’s death and my daughter’s leaving for London (another “loss”) a year later. Then she asked the Lord to bring all the grief up and out of my body, to again release me from the pain and heartache and to replace it with joy. By this time I was crying pretty hard, though not loudly, even though the pain increased under Brandilyn’s fist. After a few minutes, she said that even though I was so quiet she sensed the grief rising like a flooding river and pouring out of me. After several more minutes I began to feel a glimmer of hope, release, and best of all, joy. She prayed that I would have joy in the midst of tears, that tears were good and that I would still grieve, but it is no longer bottled up within me and therefore would be healing.

Then she placed her hands on my sides, running them up and down from under my arms down to my hips. Again she asked why the Lord had directed her there. I had no idea and said so. So she waited a few minutes then began to pray the Lord’s healing and protection for whatever that area signified. Two things came to mind: Mom’s leukemia because of the many lymph nodes in that area, and my weight gain from lack of exercise due to all the physical problems I’ve had this past year. Brandilyn prayed specifically for my lymph nodes, not knowing about Mom’s cause of death. But still she wasn’t sure what the Lord meant by having her put her hands there. And I’m still not sure why. God will reveal it in His time.

After that, Brandilyn started praying over my spine and said that all things in my life are being realigned—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. As her hands moved up and down my spine, she prayed for my writing, for clarity in direction, for a return of joy in doing what I’ve been gifted to do. She then told me that when it was the right time, my writing will be like a spring bubbling up from the ground, not like a pool but more like a fountain, water gushing from a small pipe—constant, overflowing, and plentiful, refreshing. (Note: Yesterday the Lord drew my attention to Isaiah 58:11: "And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." My written promise from the Lord! He is so good!)

Then she put her hand on my head and prayed for my editing business, that it would prosper and bring forth fruit and be refreshing to those I worked with, that in all things I would be blessed, not just in the editing and writing. She told me she could see God showering me with blessing—a virtual rainstorm of blessing pouring down on me. At one point she tried to take her hands off, but put them back immediately saying the rainstorm hadn’t ended. While she was waiting for the showers to end, I quit crying and felt my being fill with peace and joy. I couldn’t keep a smile from breaking out. Not that I wanted to!

Then I returned home to a pile of editing projects that I was so behind on, to writing that I still couldn’t find the solution to, plus friends and family who wanted detailed reports of the conference. I didn’t feel ready to face any of that, other than I knew things had changed. The joy and peace were still there, the spring bubbling up in me at odd times. And people noticed the change in my countenance. Two days after I returned from the conference, I had yet another appointment of a long string of appointments this year with my ophthalmologist. I gave my sign-in sheet to the distracted receptionist (who by this time knows me by name ) and sat down to wait my turn. When she finished her phone call, she looked up to acknowledge me, then said something was different. She hardly recognized me, and in fact, hadn't until she looked at the sheet I'd given her. Whatever it was, she couldn't pinpoint it, I looked great!! Thank You, God! What an affirmation of the peace and joy within me that was so different from previous visits.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are safely in Illinois. Safely being the operating word here. For any of you who have ever traveled I-80 through Nebraska and Iowa—well, Iowa especially is always busy. But yesterday snow was added to the mix, and it was beyond busy! So many accidents! Two in Omaha alone. It took us nearly two hours to get to Omaha from Lincoln, then another hour to make it across the Missouri. Iowa was a whole other story! Finally about Iowa City we drove out of the snow and it was just rain the rest of the way. Twelve hours to make an eight-hour trip. But . . . God is good! We were always able to stop when traffic came to a standstill. And we're here with family. The sun is shining this morning. Always a good thing! And our son, driving from his university in South Carolina in a truck that runs on prayers, made it in before us, safely.

This morning I read Psalm 18, reminding me once again that nothing is too difficult for the Lord. He is fighting the battles for us, sheltering us safe in His arms at the same time.

Have a very blessed Thanksgiving! On Monday, I'll post the next installment in Desperate Prayers and a Thankful Heart.

Desperate Prayers and a Thankful Heart—1

Yes, those two things do go together. I’ll explain in a minute, but first I need to apologize for being so long away from blogging anything other than blog tours for the last two months. Even my husband commented about it last week. When I went to the ACFW conference, I had no idea that the Lord would use it to change me and my focus in such a huge way. But He did and He’s continuing to do so. Isn’t He good?

This past year and a half has been challenging in many ways, but these last two months especially so. Both my mother-in-law and mother went to be with the Lord six months apart. Then started a months-long journey of health problems for me. Last month I saw my primary care doctor who ran a bunch of tests to see if we could get to the root of the problem. But all the tests came back negative, leading us to conclude that everything stemmed from my fibromyalgia, which has gotten a real stress workout lately. While in one sense that’s nice to know, in another sense it’s very frustrating. But God has a purpose in all this, I know.

This past Labor Day weekend, my husband and I decided to take advantage of our holiday by spending three days in the mountains. Since we live in the Denver metro area, it doesn’t take us long to get there, so we planned three separate day trips. On Saturday we took Heather Tipton, a writing friend and virtual assistant extraordinaire, with us to Rocky Mountain National Park. Late in the afternoon we drove out of the park on the west side of the Divide and headed back toward I-70 and home. We’d gotten out and hiked at several places, the sun was warm, and we were all quiet.

Into that quiet a line from an old song dropped into my mind: “For whatever it takes for my will to break, that’s what I’ll be willing to do.” Okay, not a thought that normally crosses someone’s mind after a day spent actively pursuing favorite activities. Suspecting it was from the Lord, I naturally questioned Him. Now usually when I question the Lord, I don’t get immediate answers. But that day was different. When I asked if He’d put that phrase into my head, He said yes. Hmm. Hadn’t I had enough testing in the last year? This time the answer was no. Yikes! I’m beginning to panic a little. So I asked why. He said, “Because I never, ever want you to doubt my love for you again.”

For months I’d been struggling with this issue of His love for me. Once again, I’d gotten too busy doing things to prove my worth to Him and had pushed aside the time I usually spent with Him. Oh, I still had my quiet time every morning, but it had become rote and dry. I even led a Bible study during the summer on developing a Mary spirit. (I highly recommend Joanna Weaver’s Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World and Having a Mary Spirit. Both books led me to life-changing decisions.) By August, I knew that something had to change. By Labor Day I’d already started putting some of those changes into place. Which is probably why I could hear the Lord speaking to me so clearly that day.

As I thought about His words to me, I was reminded of the many things I was still hanging on to. Things that were understandable in a human perspective, but that were hindering my spiritual growth. And I told the Lord, “Whatever it takes, Lord. Help me know what it is You want me to do, what You want me to let go of, and allow You to love me. Not because I’m worthy of Your love, but because I’m not worthy.” Which was the whole point of Christ’s coming to earth to die for my sin, to make me righteous and holy, and to restore fellowship with a holy God who desired all these things for me.

Then came Sunday.