Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke

Today I’m featuring an author I’ve had here before with her fiction. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is Allison’s latest nonfiction, written from her experiences as a parent of an adult child.

My prayer today is that someone who is struggling with setting boundaries with their adult child will find help in this book as Allison shares from her heart the message of hope from the Lord.


Why do you think so many parents struggle with enabling their adult children?

ALLISON: We don’t understand the difference between helping and enabling, that one heals and the other hurts. We don’t realize that we handicap our adult children when we don’t allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.


How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?

ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.


What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?

ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.


You say there are two separate yet intrinsically combined things going on when we look at the pathology of enabling our adult children, what are those two things?

ALLISON: #1. We have the issue of the dysfunctional child himself—the product of our enabling. Most often, we are dealing with adult children who have no concept of healthy boundaries as they pertain to their parents and grandparents. Many are dealing with addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, and more. Some of these children are involved in illegal activity, while others have been in and out of jail numerous times. Some are abusive to us. Some have jobs while others do not, most have extreme financial challenges. Others are still living at home, and some have even moved their spouse or “significant other” into their parents’ home with them. Many have been in and out of treatment centers, most often at the urging (and cost) of their parents. While we cannot change the behavior of our adult children, we can change how we respond to their actions and to their choices. We can, and must, begin to establish healthy boundaries and rules.

#2. Then, we have the issue of our own personal health and growth (or lack thereof). For many of us, we have spent years taking care of, bailing out, coming to the rescue, making excuses for, crying over, praying for, and otherwise focusing an unhealthy amount of time and attention on this adult child, that we have neglected our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Many of us have neglected other family members as well, as the adult child has taken so much of our energy. Some of us are now experiencing severe financial ramifications from having enabled our adult child. Others are finding their marriage falling apart as tempers flair and situations spiral out of control. What is it inside us that makes us respond in such a way—that makes us enable our adult children?


What are some things that parents can do to break the cycle of enabling?

ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.


What are the six steps for hope and healing you refer to in Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children?

ALLISON: S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children
S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)


Where can my readers go for more information on your book and on the S.A.N.I.T.Y. ministry?

ALLISON: Everything you could possibly need is contained on our web site at: http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm.


ALLISON: I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!



Quotables from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children

On Enabling…
As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors. (pg. 33)

Many of our adult children have retreated from the trials and tribulations that not only test their faith but would also stretch them in ways that would develop their character, prove their mettle, and give them a sense of achievement. Consequently, many adult children have no idea what they’re truly capable of accomplishing. They’ve never really tried to move ahead with confidence and be all they can be. (pg. 35)

On Letting Go…
It’s a natural instinct to protect those we love, to help someone when he’s down, to offer assistance during times of tribulation. Yet for some adult children, “tribulation” is their middle name. When is enough enough? Our adult children are no longer babies, toddlers, or adolescents. We must stop treating them as such. Gone are the years of trying to mold their character. Unless they decide to change as a result of changes we make (if we truly want this to stop), what we see is what we get, as the saying goes. (pg. 43)

Setting our adult children free to live the lives God intended them to live is not abandonment—even if it means setting them free during a time of severe trial and tribulation in their lives. (pg. 57)

Our money must cease being the life preservers that buoy up our adult children, keeping them afloat through yet another storm. We might be amazed at just how well our adult children can swim when giving the opportunity to do so. More important, they just might be surprised at their own ability to survive without life support, a powerful lesson that no amount of money can purchase. (pg. 107)

On Healing and Restoration…
We do not parent as those who have no hope. We have a God who watches over our children—if we’ll just get out of His way and let Him do the restoring. Restoration is such a promising word to parents in pain. But to get to restoration, we must start with the truth of where we are. We must be honest. The truth is that those once-innocent children grew into the jaded and unmotivated adults they are today under our parental watch. And now we find that one huge step in the restoration process is to honestly see our adult children for who they really are now, not as we remember them in their Kodak moments. (pg. 72)

Real healing begins when a parent stops believing the excuses and lies and insists on the truth. As we develop our action plan, there must be no room for excuses. Our boundaries must be firm. There is a right and there is a wrong, and we are going to choose to do what’s right. Period. (pg. 118)

Healing often comes through pain first. Physical therapy is painful, but it’s always conducted for our own good. So too are God’s plans always meant for our good—even when we can’t understand them. (pg. 172)

We should never give up hope that our adult children will find a way out of the dark abyss of addiction. We should never stop encouraging them, emotionally supporting them, and loving them. And we should never stop praying for them. Miracles happen every day, and God will make a way where there seems to be no way. (pg. 189)

On Listening…
As parents in pain, we’ve been living in places of weakness for a very long time, but we haven’t done the kind of listening that has brought us closer to God—or to any firm results in the challenges of our lives. We have become emotional repositories for everyone else’s problems, and the time has come for that to stop. (pg. 132)

Rarely in our prayers do we think about listening to God or about implementing the biblical principles that will bring stability to our lives. Instead, we fall back on bargaining. But I’ve discovered that listening to what God teaches us in His Word about all things—parenting included—should be the number-one goal in the life of every Christian. Too often we listen instead to worldly advice, to secular self-help gurus, and to the never-ending stream of trendy cultural messages designed to fix whatever ails us. Ironically, those were often the very sources of “wisdom” that either caused us to make parenting mistakes or caused our children to succumb to temptations that led them into their destructive lifestyles. (pg. 144)


Thank you, Allison, for taking the time to answer these questions and to encourage parents with this much-needed and timely message of hope.

One Little Secret Blog Tour

Today I am hosting my first-ever author on a blog tour. And I’m excited to introduce you to Allison Bottke, well known as the God Allows U-Turns lady. I met Allison when we were both in an intensive writing clinic with Tracie Peterson at the Colorado Christian Writers Conference several years ago. Allison brought her then manuscript to be critiqued and worked over, which is now her first fiction book, A Stitch in Time. Her second book, One Little Secret, has just released, and Allison is here to chat with us about her many projects.


Greetings from the land of 10,000 lakes! I won’t be able to say that for too much longer, as my dear hubby and I will be moving to Texas the end of this month. Every winter we wonder why we live in the Tundra … but not this winter! I moved here from Arizona when I met my husband back in 1994. He’s a 5th generation Faribault, MN native. Can you believe that? FIVE generations of Bottke’s have lived in this town of 20,000 souls. Wow. It made more sense for me to pack up my computer and move here when we met than to have him start his career in real estate over from scratch in AZ.

It’s been twelve great years, and I do so love our 25-acre farm in this lovely southern Minnesota town, but I’m not as fond of it in winter when it’s 20 below zero with a 40 below zero wind chill factor. Tragic! I am so NOT a winter kind of gal. Ice fishing and snowmobiles … not my cup of tea. It’s very difficult to walk in stiletto heels in the snow, and while two complete wardrobes may sound like fun, there’s simply no way to look even remotely thin wearing multiple layers of garments.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten my weather-whine out of the way (whew) let’s get on with the show!

I was 35 years old when I made my u-turn toward God. Some of you may be aware of my ministry called: GOD ALLOWS U-TURNS www.godallowsuturns.com In fact, as an aside, we are collecting stories for three new volumes in our true short story anthology. So, if you’d like to submit your story for consideration, please read the Writer’s Guidelines on the God Allows U-Turns web site.
( http://www.allisonbottke.com/writersguidelines.htm )

My very first book was published in the year 2001, it was a collection of true short stories called GOD ALLOWS U-TURNS. Today, there are over 23 books (non-fiction AND fiction) under the God Allows U-Turns “brand.” It’s the release of ONE LITTLE SECRET, my 2nd “Boomer-Lit” novel that brings me here today.
( http://www.boomerbabesrock.com/boomernovels.html )

Wonder what “Boomer-Lit” is?

Typical “chick-lit” is written for a 20–30 year old target market. The protagonist is usually single, and struggling with her faith, career, family, love-life, and things young women often struggle with. In my books, I wanted to approach the issues that baby boomers are dealing with (women born between 1946–1964), things like the empty nest syndrome, aging parents, a change in career, retirement, menopause, and other health issues. I wanted to look at women in the prime of their life who were suddenly stepping out in faith to achieve the dreams of their heart. Women who weren’t afraid to take risks—who had the chutzpah to dare to dream big. That’s how “Boomer-Lit” was born.

I developed ONE LITTLE SECRET first as a screenplay called JUST A HOUSEWIFE. When Bethany House wanted a second novel after my debut novel called A STITCH IN TIME, I immediately thought of this story, realizing that it would make some great Boomer-Lit!



Here’s a little synopsis about ONE LITTLE SECRET…but I think Marjorie is posting a review … (Yes, I am. It's at the end.)

**** For Ursula Rhoades, her ONE LITTLE SECRET becomes her one big problem! ONE LITTLE SECRET fits seamlessly into a culture obsessed with reality TV and celebrity lives (think American Idol and E! channel). Delving into the life of a fictional rock star, ONE LITTLE SECRET takes readers on a fun-loving ride through Hollywood and the famous GRAMMY awards.

In a land of glitz and glamour, Ursula Rhoades isn't fazed in the least by the constant parade of Prada. She has a beautiful home, a loving family, and fulfilling volunteer opportunities that leave this fashionable and loving Bel-Air housewife completely content, even if she did have to give up her dreams when she married Don so many years ago. Enter Nikolai Prevelakis, or Nik Prevel to his fans, the hottest young music star in the country. But it isn't enough. Handsome, famous, and living the life of a rock star, Nik isn't content. When his path crosses Ursula's, he sees the opportunity he's been waiting for. But what seems like a harmless little secret changes their lives forever—and becomes one big secret everyone's trying to figure out!

ONE LITTLE SECRET is a Hollywood fairy tale with all the pleasures of escapist literature mixed with gentle lessons on using the talents God has given you, the power of sacrifice, self-esteem, and the value of being "just a housewife."

I had a blast writing this book. I had even more fun developing a contest to go with it. We’re actually giving away an all expense paid trip to Hollywood for two in the event the book gets optioned for a film. Readers can vote on who they think would make the best Ursula and Nik—from stars like Catherine Zeta Jones and Antonio Banderas. It’s a fun and funky contest, how about stopping by and voting, okay? Check out the contest here, we call it The Hollywood Casting Call Contest — http://www.boomerbabesrock.com/bookcontests.html

I’ve been asked what prompted me to step into fiction, after so many books in the God Allows U-Turns series?

I’ve always wanted to write fiction. In fact, when I grow up I’d like to work in the world of film—writing screenplays. I have a deep love for creating those sappy, romantic comedy fairy-tale love stories that women can escape into. However, as I mentioned earlier, I had a major life-changing epiphany at the age of 35 that brought me closer to God in a very profound way. As a result of that, I founded GOD ALLOWS U-TURNS. In sharing not only my story of a changed life, but the stories of hundreds of others as well, I was blessed to enter the world of publishing and get my feet wet—I was able to make connections with editors and publishers who were able to see my passion for reaching people with a message of faith.

I also began attending writer’s conferences as an instructor, and while there I was able to take classes as a student with some amazing novelists who generously shared their craft in workshop sessions. I soaked up everything I could about how to write fiction—taking notes—buying tapes—listening over and over again to teachers like Angela Hunt, Gayle Roper, Brandilyn Collins, James Scott Bell, Jack Cavanaugh, Lauraine Snelling, and Tracie Peterson. It was after taking a 3-day long intensive workshop with Tracie Peterson that I was able to fine-tune my work-in-progress and submit it with a proposal to Bethany House. The rest, as they say, is history. Bethany House signed me to write two novels and the whirlwind began.

I’ve just been contracted by David C. Cook Publishers to write three new Boomer-Lit books in a series I’ve called THE VA VA VA BOOM series. All three books will introduce entrepreneurial boomer babes who own their own businesses. Additionally, each woman has a deep dark secret and a deep dream desire. The first book in the series will release in 2009.

For years I’ve been known as the “God Allows U-Turns Poster Girl.” I’ve been blessed with that moniker and it’s always a joy to share with people how my life direction radically changed. Yet over the years, I found myself being drawn to the challenges my fellow baby boomer sisters were experiencing. In late 2006 I woke up one day with the idea to develop a Web site separate from www.GodAllowsUTurns.com devoted to boomer women. We launched the new business, www.BoomerBabesRock.com on January 1st of 2007. A cornerstone of the outreach is a monthly electronic e-zine that we call a “Dream-Zine.” It’s called Boomer Babes with Brilliant Dreams and our goal is to empower and encourage baby boomer women to achieve the dreams of their heart. ( http://www.boomerbabesrock.com/dreamzine.html )

Our Mission Statement is, “Boomer Babes Rock, where fun, fashion, food, family, and faith merge to empower and inspire boomer women around the world!”
( www.boomerbabesrock.com )

Here’s the definition that appears on my Web site. “A Boomer Babe was born between 1946 and 1964, we are women who are comfortable enough in our own skin to realize that the mid-life years can be some of the best and most exciting in our entire life. That the hubris of youth is behind us and the wisdom of the years has made us pretty darn attractive—both inside and out. We are Boomer Babes and we’re proud of it!”

I love encouraging all women, no matter what age, to achieve their dreams. I could go on and on about this, but I think I need to say good-bye now. However, please allow me to close with this…the fact I’ve been published at all boggles my mind. I want to encourage your readers who have a desire to write to never give up! I also want them to stop judging themselves against other writers. I’m a high school drop out with a ninth grade education and a GED. I quit school after the 9th grade to run away from home and get married. I was going to live happily ever after in my fairy tale dream.

But that’s NOT what happened. As a teenager, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. As a Boomer Babe, I know a whole lot more about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I also know a whole lot more about pursuing the dreams of our heart…walking in God’s purpose for our life, and making life-changing U-Turns. Boomer Babes Rock is all about living the great American dream. It’s about deciding today… that THIS is the break-out year when you’re going to make things happen—and happen in a BIG way! And that’s what ONE LITTLE SECRET is about. It’s about a dynamic woman who takes a risk to make her lifelong dream come true.

Writing is not about formal education, or who you know, or how long you’ve been at it. It’s about perseverance and risk and belief in yourself—and knowing that inevitably, God will make a way where there seems to be no way. Thanks, Marjorie, for hosting me on your blog today. It’s been a joy visiting with you and your readers. I welcome any comments about ONE LITTLE SECRET and I’ll stop back to check in with you soon!

Have a blessed day!

Allison
www.AllisonBottke.com
www.BoomerBabesRock.com
www.GodAllowsUTurns.com
www.BoomerBabesRock.com/blog

MARJORIE’S REVIEW AND COMMENTS… I finished reading One Little Secret early this morning. Allison has given you a synopsis of the book, so I won’t go into that again. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book for several reasons. As a Boomer Babe who is starting to see her dreams come to fruition, I love reading about women who realize their dreams in their mid-life. In many ways, I identify with Ursula. And in other ways, Ursula’s dream opened my eyes to a world I’ve never followed very closely. The reminder that God gives us the desires of our hearts when we delight in Him was a timely one for me. Allison has subtly woven several biblical principles of marriage, sacrifice, commitment, and love into her story of realizing dreams—ones we all have, ones I believe are God-ordained. As I read, I couldn’t help but be reminded of a quote my husband loves: I’ve dreamed many a dream that were gone at the break of dawn. But I’ve realized enough of my dreams to make me want to dream on.

Thank you for joining us today. Please leave your comments for Allison. Also, I have one extra copy of One Little Secret that I will send to one person who leaves a comment telling us what dream you’ve long held that you would love to see realized. No offense to the younger readers, but. . .this book goes to a Boomer Babe, so you’ll have to include proof that you are a Baby Boomer along with your dream.