"Blind" by Choice?

Lots to think about these days. With CCWC coming up next week, I'm once again very, very busy (as opposed to just busy *smile*). There's never a dull moment. Yet I am at peace with what God is doing, even though it seems as thought I'm encountering problems on every side. While the enemy is behind some of it, my own flesh is chiming in, urging me to run, that I don't deserve this, etc. However, the Lord keeps reminding me that He's always right beside me, guiding my steps, in total control . . . and not letting me run and hide as I would like.

This morning I was reading in Psalms. Psalm 23 once again jumped off the page and into my heart. Looking at the marginal notes on some of the familiar words, I gained a new insight as to what David meant when he penned this Psalm. (Those words are in brackets.)

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside waters [of rest]. He restores my soul. He leads me in [right paths] for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of [deep darkness], I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:1–4 ESV)

It seems I've been in that deep valley of darkness for a long time, both physically and spiritually. Spritually in the sense that the Lord has been teaching me to trust Him completely, even when I can't see the path ahead. Physically because of my deteriorating eyesight in my right eye.

Two years ago, soon after my mother went to be with the Lord, I experienced a migraine that settled in my right eye and last nearly four weeks. Finally I was diagnosed with glaucoma due to the drainage system in that eye having scar-tissued shut because of the prolonged pressure from the headache. I had surgery in June 2007 to correct that. Many doctor visits later and several vision tests later, the pressure is still excellent in both eyes. I'm so thankful to the Lord for that.

In the meantime, however, I had a cataract in that eye that started growing very fast as a result of the surgery. Since the surgery, I've had two glasses prescription changes (big ones) for the right eye. (Thank goodness, the left eye remains constant even though it now does most of the work!) The last time my glasses changed, they could only get it to 20/30.

For several months, I've noticed some odd things happening with the vision in the right eye, but dismissed it as the cataract continuing to grow. And that was part of it. In March I was due for my now-annual visual field test. After that, the doctor called and said she needed to do yet another test because of the results of the first one. So in early April I made the trek to her office, had the OCT scan, then waited to hear what was wrong. After asking me a lot of questions, then dilating my eyes and exposing them to all kinds of bright lights (*grin*), she told me that what I was experiencing was not vision loss from the cataract, but from something else she still couldn't see.

So back I went last Friday for yet another visual field test. Knowing the doctor does surgery on Mondays, I didn't expect her to call me with the results until at least today. She called yesterday on her lunch break. The vision in the right eye is even less than two months ago. She'd talked to the nuero-ophthalmologist (the one who finally diagnosed my problem two years ago), and they agreed that I need to get an MRI of the eye orbits. They are looking for a vascular leak near or on the optic nerve or a tumor (usually benign, I'm told).

Okay. I'm still mostly calm . . . until I called the number the nurse gave me to set up the appointment. "How about Saturday at 5:15 p.m.?" I paused, then "THIS Saturday?" "Yes." Umm . . . okay. The doctor must have put a rush on this. Roger will be home this weekend. Good timing. Psalm 23 popped into my mind. Not by accident were those verses in my devotional time this morning.

In this ongoing answer to my prayer for full surrender to the Lord and learning to trust Him completely, this is yet another step. The Lord is my shepherd. He is leading me in the right path for me. . . . This is all in His perfect plan for me. If others are challenged to follow the Lord completely as a result of these trials, then it will be worth it all.

I know I'm growing. It's not what I would necessarily consider good, but I'm reminded over and over that God's way is soooo much better than the pleasure and ease the world presents to me and my flesh longs to pursue. I have a choice of which direction to follow.

I'm reminded of Psalm 73, where the psalmist is looking at the people around him who have no desire to follow God. Their lives look prosperous and problem-free compared to his. And he wonders why they seem to prosper in spite of their self-centeredness and greed. Until he looked back on God, went into the house of the Lord, and focused on His Word. Then he saw that their end was destruction, and the allure lost its appeal. He looked at the long-term effects and made his choice to follow God.

This past weekend, I was challenged by a message from my pastor about Lot, who made conscious choices without considering the long-term effects of those choices. Because his servants and flocks were in conflict with Abraham's, they separated. Lot's choice was toward Sodom. The allure of prosperity and pleasure, though he knew it wasn't of God, drew him closer. Soon we see Lot living in Sodom. And later we see him of Sodom, a part of the governing council. When the angels warned him of impending judgment on the city, he knew they spoke truth. James tells us he had a righteous soul. He knew God, was His child. Yet he continually put the promise of prosperity and temporal pleasure before God, and purposely ignored the vexation in his soul because of it. He didn't want to appear different to his peers, so he decided he knew what was best for him and his family. But when he went to warn his sons-in-law of the coming judgment, they laughed at him. His wife turned into a pillar of salt; his daughters got him drunk and committed incest. All because he put pleasure and ease before obeying what he knew to be right.

Even in the middle of trial, I have a choice of the direction I am to follow. I choose to follow God, to surrender to His guiding hand, because I know He knows me better than I know myself. I'm not perfect, and sometimes the allure of the world, the escapes it offers from pain (mental, emotional, physical), is very tempting. I don't want to appear "different," even though as a child of God I am. I want others to like me, to accept me.

Right now, these eye problems are just another test of the choice I have made to follow God fully. And Psalm 23 is my reminder that He doesn't leave me alone to face these challenges alone. He is so good!